go? no. i said stay, right?

i like your hand, i like the way it slips in mine accidentally–then to your lips, without you ever remembering. Your hand: bigger better-because you’re protective-of me. go? i didn’t tell you to go. no, i said stay. right? i said go? no. I meant stay, don’t go, don’t leave, just wait – i’m upset just let us be and wait. don’t leave-not again. don’t so easily find your shoes under my bed. don’t so readily slip your feet in and dance out of my room, across the hall-and gone for good–this was not the plan. go? no. don’t go… stay. you must stay. can’t believe my brain overtook my hearts ‘insane’s‘ and won the battle. can’t believe my brain is so mean and my heart didn’t fight back and request a third chance. another round of hide ‘n go seek–tug-o-war. don’t take me seriously–there is evil inside of me…..but if i could go back in time, delete my whole life, delete their crimes which mess with my mind. maybe then i would be prude, i’d be a better woman, a girl who nice young men deserve. i’m not– that sucks. WHAT? I’m not?  yeah stop pretending. you wanted to be real right? this hurts, this is what it feels like, this is the growing up, the stoping pretending, the false past tap-dancing. this is the owning. this is the “no-i-won’t-be-performing”, this is growing out of the glamour and back into the tattered shabby mis-constructed hearts shadow, this is me owning. this is me admitting. this is me realing-up, maning-up. growing up, wanting up. i always want to talk  to you. Isn’t that embarrasing? isn’t that immature of me? i think about you all day long……and look at them, they are walking around dead while my hearts bursting out of my head. prancing about with each word said.  let’s not be like them. let’s not ever resort to counterfeit skin covering up idle organs, perfect bodies without real beating hearts exploding. let’s be a bit ugly, a bit tough, magnificent and rough. let’s not pretend. let’s not bend. i want to dismiss, be pride-less, surrendered and desperate. go? no, don’t go. stay. let’s play this game. together?

my heart wins, she wins- i win. i win. we win.