how do I feel when I have a broken heart?

July 15, 2012 § 40 Comments

I was going to comment on The Boy in the Hat’s brilliant piece  “How Do You Feel When You Are Heartbroken” My reply became too long, so I wrote it here instead. I’d also like to mention that if Vincent  were a spider, he’d be the female black widow that eats her lover after they mate. So, thank goodness he is not a spider, and simply A Boy in a Hat.

Heart break to me is/or feels like….

…a girl who has been told the flower that best describes her is an evil poppy.  Like Bill Gates eating an Apple.  Éponine when the love of her life Marius meets Cossette.  Marius when Éponine admits her love while dying in his arms. The Phantom knowing the only part of Christine Daaé he will ever have is her voice. Like i have to throw away my favorite hat that i  wore  on a billionaires private island. The boy across the hall is never coming home–and when he does i’ll already be gone. A wild beautiful bright orange fish stuck in a man-made pond.  The boy in the hats body-which he says he doesn’t love,  a beautiful girl who falls in love with men who act and look just like her renegade debonair Daddy. A puppet without a hand, lust without a lover.  Having 100 men to choose from, and wanting only one.  Kissing a boy I don’t care about-to get over the boy i want to be kissing. Like knowing the boy i love is in love with the prettiest girl in the whole wide world. Like  coffee without cayenne and ginger,  a pretzel without the salt, a pen without a sheet of paper to liberate her. My secret blog, before I had any followers. Like myself when i kicked out  the boy across the hall because I found out he was reading my no-longer-secret blog.  Vincent Mars without his hat.  Me,  without my fingers,  Dad’s old rocking chair with no one in there.  Me,  when I’m not writing. Like the boy across the hall pretending he doesn’t care–when he always cares too much.   Like rain without the fresh smell, the itch on your foot  you can never quite get. Falling in love with someones potential, and not what they already are. Like my 94 year old Gramma, when her best friend my Grandpa, went to heaven. The thought that my train Dagny will no longer salute me in the morning. That I fought for someone for so long, and now have given up. Blasting my music and not caring. The hurting in my stomach when I miss someone  i cannot feel or touch, myself when i listen to Zac Brown’s song Colder Weather. Like James Blunt when he wrote “Goodbye my lover”. Like friday night and staying home alone.  Like “a rambling man with a gypsy sort of brain…. always made for leaving”.  Having the best day and not having anyone to tell it to.  The Boy in the Hat’s brain without his body. My heart without my spine,  hate without a break,  pain attached to nothing.  Caring for so long,  then stopping–and not even knowing why.  Heidi without her goat. Pooh bear without his Piglet, the Beast being mean to Bell when really he wanted to hold her because he loved her. The little Mermaid not having her voice to tell her prince charming that she wants him.  Like a too long post that would have been better, shorter. Hearing a pretty love song when you are broken hearted. Always wanting what you can’t have. Hating someone you  love, because you don’t think that you should love them. Like 510 facebook friends, and no one to call when you need someone to just hear you. Like 53 virtual ‘likes’ and no one who likes you in real life. Like writing a singles ad –bullett points exhibiting your best qualities-and feeling like nobody wants you for you.  Jessica Hof’s husband having to leave his family for Afghanistan. Like Kip when he found out he had to spend most days in a wheel chair. Like Dumu without his goddess.  Drinking tea without a train. Kissing without thinking. Like a dog without an owner.  Dagny Taggart when she thought Francisco d’Anconia no longer loved her.  Hank Rearden when he realized Dagny loved John Galt.  Cinderella without her glass slipper. Howard Roarke without the ability to create his own towers. You, without me–once I’m gone and you realize how amazing i was,  the things we could have done so brilliantly-together.  Standing next to someone and still feeling lonely.   Kissing  an ex,   not being able to control yourself because you like them that much.  Me without you. Me,  living without books and libraries. You without me. That’s what it feels like to me,  to have a broken heart.

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§ 40 Responses to how do I feel when I have a broken heart?

  • Dumu Abzu-a says:

    Very moving and touching, milady. 😉


    • I feel terrible, because I spelled your name wrong. Are you aware you are in my post Dumu?


      • Dumu Abzu-a says:

        ……….. *stunning silence*

        I didn’t know what to say…..

        Your kindness, and the very act of mentioning me in your writings almost brings tears to my eyes… You make a man, who lives a rather solitary existence, who is so wrapped up in his studies of the old ways, very happy. Thank you so much!! In time I might return the favour by writing you some poetry in the Sumerian language. I must honestly admit that it had already crossed my mind, for as I already stated you are definitely a person who causes divine inspiration in others, and the honor you did me by remembrance through the sacred Art of Writing is a noteworthy act that will be repaid in kind.

        Thanks Miss Ginger! May Inanna smile on you for your kindness.


  • aparnauteur says:

    Beautiful piece Coco! I am not as eloquent as you are but the one thing I feel when I am heart-broken is helplessness: like seeing your love wedged in the jaws of a vicious beast, yet not having the hands or the legs or anything to rescue him, all the while knowing he doesn’t love you.


  • +1.647.401.6787 if you really need someone to speak with.


  • Carol Welsh says:

    Oh my, all of this makes me want to cry…the original writing of this subject by The Boy in the Hat, Coco J. Ginger’s response, Dumu Abzu-a’s response to Coco J. Ginger…the whole thing. I haven’t written what it feels like to have a broken heart, but I know what it feels like to have a “full” heart…and this is it.


  • BTW, please check your gmail. I sent you a follow-up on San Diego. It’s an early flight for us tomorrow, into LAX by noon!


  • totalovrdose says:

    As always when your fingers touch the keyboard, the words promulgated upon this page are both moving and eloquent and captivate the heart, mind and soul of the beholder and keep them from ever looking away. ‘Like a too long post that would have been better, shorter’ – this line would sum up many of your pieces perfectly, but they forget to capture that even though your words are long, they are a pleasure to be read, and even if but a billion words were to be scattered upon a page by your hand, the months it would take to read, not to mention the thousands of cups of coffee needed to stay awake for such a period of longevity, would be worth the wait to reach the conclusion of your piece after reading every last heartfelt word. 😀


  • […] how do I feel when I have a broken heart ? by Coco J. Ginger Share this:TwitterFacebookRedditTumblrLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. […]


  • bellakateee says:

    you definitely needed your own space for this post! it provoked many familiar emotions in an intensely beautiful way.


  • quetzalcotl says:

    Oh Coco, how my heart breaks for you and what you wrote.


  • JessicaHof says:

    Beautiful evocation of the desolation that undercuts you – that was why we needed the pjp 🙂 I felt for Sebastien x


  • Bryan Edmondson says:

    Wow! So many shining similes, how did you do that? 🙂
    For me, and I can’t browse up my IPods screen to quote it properly, the simile that I liked the most was, Like dad’s old rocking chair, with no one in it.
    That line struck me in the solar plexus. I reall enjoyed this post


  • dankline2000 says:

    you have obviously have either been in love or are in love with someone who does not requite the love you have for them, am i wrong? your words so strong, so true it is like you are already in love, if you are and it is not reciprocated then i feel very much for you indeed


  • Vincent Mars says:

    If Vincent Mars were a mean little spider he would descend from a silky thread in the middle of the night, and crawl to the bed where Coco sleeps – dreaming of rhymes for ‘orange’ – and bite her big toe, which will consequently swell and become painful. An infection would occur, and Coco’s leg would have to be cut off. And nobody will love one-legged Coco anymore, not even if she wears her fancy hat.


  • Kip Light says:

    Your words summon the feeling of “Precious Pain” (to steal a song title). I totally agree with totalovrdose, you could write a Bible’s worth of words (both Testaments) and it would still be a pleasure to have been fortunate enough to have read them. Bittersweet smiles and heart-wrenching sorrow all rolled up into one huge delicious package. Reading about heartbreak is a pleasure (strange concept, eh?) when you write about it. I, too, am humbled that you would chose to include me as a small part of your wonderful piece and grateful for your consideration to request that use before hand. You are one talented lady and a “class act”. Thank you for sharing your self with the world and, once again, I am so grateful that our virtual paths crossed. You are a jewel!


  • theodd1in says:

    Brilliant post 🙂


  • rtd14 says:

    Thank you for sharing! It is beautifully written! I feel the same about Zac Brown Band’s “Colder Weather.”


  • lkbartel says:

    Well to put things bluntly, I’d say you have boy troubles;) But im sure you know that. One of my friends once told me that you can’t change the way you feel and you cant change the way the other person feels. it just is the way it is. All you can do is recognize what you’re feeling and then continue to live your life. And one should marvel over the fact that they care so much about somebody else. Like “why the hell do I like you so much my stomach aches??” The fact that we can feel so much for someone else is marvelous and yet a curse at the same time. But there’s no way of changing the way you feel; all you can do is recognize it, appreciate it, and keep on living.


  • vincentbiddle says:

    Wow. I almost cried reading this, you’ve captured something that everybody at some point has or will feel. It’s beautifully tragic.


  • Coffee without cayenne and ginger – oh, wow. Have to try that (with, not without) in the a.m.


  • charmedbylove says:

    heartbreak is like pasta without the sauce, an agonizing rite of passage


  • Christina ~ says:

    I’ve nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award ~ ~ Always love reading your posts! 🙂


  • excelsoccer says:

    Powerful Jamie, I love how you can put to words so eloquently what life is like for the rest of us. You can always call me, strangers don’t judge or offer advice but a listening ear.


  • […] Heartbrake symptoms vary from person to person. One can compare being heartbroken with ‘feeling like an empty glass full of nothing’ or in more curious cases, with ‘feeling like an evil poppy’. […]


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