November 6, 2018 § 21 Comments
Coffee steams from my cup and I remember how much I love to write, how I have always loved writing, how I have always written, except… for the times the adversary came to my side whispering lies. Lies like, you aren’t worthy, you aren’t good enough. You should live in the manner society has taught you. You should want success that materializes in dollar signs. You are only as much as you make, and the amount you are praised. That’s what that man I used to know told me too— he said I would never be worthy until I was a queen, a queen who was known by her status, just as he. And I believed him. Because the adversary was by my side whispering lies, using this man to create chaos and confusion inside me, trying to break apart the design the Creator had given me when He first formed me in my mother’s womb. But the Creator, El Emet, the God of truth, he has something different to say about me. He calls me his masterpiece, he calls me brand new, he calls me friend, he calls me a new creation, he calls me set free. He says I am chosen, I am accepted, I am forgiven, I am complete, I am beloved.
You must stop waiting for perfection, he says, you must pick up the pen and begin, I will give you the words as I have given you the gift. And so I write. As coffee steams and my mind is overun with passion; joy and utter peace because I have been given a new name. And no one can call me by my old names, by my sins, or my past, because I am brand new, I am a new creation, I am his treasured possession and he has given me a new song to sing, Psalms 40:3.
I have spent my whole life believing lies the world has told me about who I am.
But not today— Today, I am a child of God, I am heir to a kingdom, I am set free, I am greatly loved, I am adopted, I am his workmanship, I am complete. The devil calls me by my sins, but not El Emet, the God of truth, he calls me by name and he says, YOU ARE MINE.
June 20, 2012 § 88 Comments
i like your hand, i like the way it slips in mine accidentally–then to your lips, without you ever remembering. Your hand: bigger better-because you’re protective-of me. go? i didn’t tell you to go. no, i said stay. right? i said go? no. I meant stay, don’t go, don’t leave, just wait – i’m upset just let us be and wait. don’t leave-not again. don’t so easily find your shoes under my bed. don’t so readily slip your feet in and dance out of my room, across the hall-and gone for good–this was not the plan. go? no. don’t go… stay. you must stay. can’t believe my brain overtook my hearts ‘insane’s‘ and won the battle. can’t believe my brain is so mean and my heart didn’t fight back and request a third chance. another round of hide ‘n go seek–tug-o-war. don’t take me seriously–there is evil inside of me…..but if i could go back in time, delete my whole life, delete their crimes which mess with my mind. maybe then i would be prude, i’d be a better woman, a girl who nice young men deserve. i’m not– that sucks. WHAT? I’m not? yeah stop pretending. you wanted to be real right? this hurts, this is what it feels like, this is the growing up, the stoping pretending, the false past tap-dancing. this is the owning. this is the “no-i-won’t-be-performing”, this is growing out of the glamour and back into the tattered shabby mis-constructed hearts shadow, this is me owning. this is me admitting. this is me realing-up, maning-up. growing up, wanting up. i always want to talk to you. Isn’t that embarrasing? isn’t that immature of me? i think about you all day long……and look at them, they are walking around dead while my hearts bursting out of my head. prancing about with each word said. let’s not be like them. let’s not ever resort to counterfeit skin covering up idle organs, perfect bodies without real beating hearts exploding. let’s be a bit ugly, a bit tough, magnificent and rough. let’s not pretend. let’s not bend. i want to dismiss, be pride-less, surrendered and desperate. go? no, don’t go. stay. let’s play this game. together?
my heart wins, she wins- i win. i win. we win.