Riding

I write about you…..

not for sadness—but
for happiness.

I remember you…

not with ache,
but for my future dreams sake.

I talk about you
sometimes…
only to myself—
no one else really knew you.

I pretend I did…
did I?

I see you in the rich waves
rolling, as I
ride,    ride,    ride.

I hear you in my voice
when my cheerful countenance cracks
stalling for time.

I felt you in my actions
as I tried to re-invent you
with that boy…

And still
my dreams surround you
as I sleep.

You’re not here—
at times I wonder
if you ever were…

Cigarette draped across your lips
puffing out pain like a chimney.
I’m dancing around you, laughing—
like nothing would ever matter.
As if your second-hand smoke
wasn’t destroying my care-free lungs.
As if your many addictions
weren’t seducing me
over to the darker side
of my once candy-coated world.

I prayed for you
every night
down on bended knees
i begged…
knowing my prayers
would never be answered—
even though    I had faith.

Faith turned to dreams
as I surrendered to the ache
of this loves reality.

Something inside you
EXPLODED into me…
and I wonder
how deep
true love
goes.

Because I’m
riding,    riding,    riding,
heart is
flowing,   flowing,   flowing

You’re gone.
Without you—
everything’s painful, different,
better…

I’m dreaming up realities
that turn to gold.

My dark painted heart
finally glows.

I’m glad you’re not here…
because I would have starred at you,
I would have
stopped walking.
Your brilliance would have kept me in a cage.
Your heart would have kept my brain in a maze.

But I still see you
in the dark rich palms
dancing outside
my window.
I see you in the sun
bouncing off the leaves
wishing me ‘good morning’.

I hear you in my voice
when I laugh uncontrollably

I feel you when I hold my head high
and keep walking.

And the rich waves keep
rolling,    rolling,    rolling

And we’re
riding,    riding,    riding….

just like before.